(written before some election or another)

Only in L.A. do porn stars leave messages on your phone. It was a dude porn star, so points off there, and he said he’s HIV positive, which kind of takes some of the romance out of pornography. Plus he was leaving the same phone message to zillions of other bewildered people at the same time. But still, only in L.A. do porn stars leave messages on your phone.

I’ve gotten a couple of these broadcasted phone messages lately, though not all from porn stars. One was from the governor. Another from Robert Redford. Another from some feminist that made me feel insecure. I can’t remember what she called about, but it was for my wife. I don’t think she listened though. Come election time we get calls from all kinds of celebrities. We live in Silver Lake and not only do celebrities live here and dine here and party here but they call everybody here and tell us excitedly about obscure bond issues that we don’t care about. I know we should, but I am being honest. I don’t always care about obscure bond issues.

I can’t understand what this porn star is saying. He’s talking too fast and the message is garbled. It sounds like he has marbles in his mouth. Or something in his mouth. Don’t they teach enunciation at the Porn Academy?